Let’s talk about anger. We all feel it. Some of us, more than others. It has a way of consuming us. Making us feel like an entirely different person. It makes our heart race, our body feel hot, our face flushed, our muscles tense, our chest tight. And as moms, it gives us more anxiety than anything else we could ever feel. At least, that’s how it is for me. I am an angry mom. And I’m not here to tell you how to not be an angry mom, because truth be told, I have no idea. I’m just here to tell you that if are also an angry mom, you are not alone.

I don’t remember a time in my life when I haven’t struggled with anger issues. The smallest things make me feel like a fire has been lit inside of my body. And once it is lit, it is nearly impossible to put out. I have inherited this from my dad, who is a notorious “hot head” in our small town. When I get mad, I truly feel like the anger takes over my entire body and I don’t even think about what I am saying or doing. All I can feel is a fit of rage. I imagine that it’s exactly what Bruce Banner feels like when he turns into the Incredible Hulk. The worst part isn’t the anger itself, however, it’s the terrible guilt and embarrassment that eats away at me after I’ve managed to calm down.

I feel this even more when my anger is directed towards my kids. Which happens all. the. time. I love my kids more than anything in the world and couldn’t imagine my life without them. I am doing my best to raise them to be good, kind people. And sometimes, I feel like I am doing an okay job. But most of the time, I feel like I am failing miserably. I often describe my kids as wild heathens. I say this jokingly, but I also feel like this is what other people are thinking when they see us out in public. It’s hard trying to take them anywhere because it seems like I spend most of my time yelling at them to just behave. I can’t ever just be in the moment and enjoy activities with them because I am always agitated and always on the verge of being ready to explode. It surely can’t be healthy to spend your life in a constant state of anger and anxiety. Yet, here I am. Maybe that’s why my body physically feels like it’s 90 years old.

To be clear, if my kids are with absolutely anyone other than me, they are on their best behavior. Their teachers always say they’re a joy to have in class, which I obviously know is a lie, because all three of them are assholes. (Yes, I call my kids assholes and I am not ashamed. I will call them that to their face. I am positive that they also think that I am an asshole, and that’s okay). I’ve read somewhere that kids behave worse for their moms because mom is their safe place. This is where they feel most comfortable with letting all of their emotions out. Which, honestly, makes me feel good. I will always be the number 1 advocate for my children’s mental health and always want them to feel like they have a safe space to express anything they may be feeling. This doesn’t take away from the fact that their behavior really wears me down.

My oldest daughter is 12 and is 1000% in her pre-teen era. She has always been the most dramatic person I know, and it is now amplified by about a million. Most days, I can’t even stand to be around her and I am convinced that I will not make it through her teenage years alive. I have to keep reminding myself that underneath all of this teenage misery, she has one of the biggest hearts you could ever find. She also has this go-with-the-flow, care-free attitude that I am envious of.

My youngest daughter, shew. This one is FIERCE. She is very much the boss of our family, and she knows it. I’m not going to lie, there are days when I am actually afraid of her (LOL). She’s 8 and she’s the baby so she’s beyond spoiled. She is also very talented in so many ways and is just a natural born performer/entertainer. But I think it gets to her head sometimes. I am always trying to ground her and remind her to stay humble. Which I think she does a good job of, for the most part, but she is definitely a diva. And it is exhausting.

And then there’s my son, who is 10. I often describe him as Donnie from the Wild Thornberries, or the Tazmanian Devil. His ADHD can be a lot to handle. He has made tremendous strides over the last few years, but he is still the kid who most stresses me out. I could write an entirely separate piece about the struggles I have with him, so stay tuned. He is just, overall, very challenging. But he also has one of the biggest hearts and has so much compassion for others. His hugs alone can just instantly make me feel better.

          When you put all three of these together, it is total chaos. It’s like driving through a tornado daily, and I don’t do tornados. I don’t go a single day without getting angry at one of them. I am always cussing, always in a bad mood. I feel like I am traumatizing them more and more every single day. I have always said that I don’t want them to have a childhood that they have to recover from. And I work hard to keep that from happening. But I think at times, I am trying too hard. I put so much pressure on myself to give them everything they want, no matter the cost. This just ends up making my anxiety, and inevitably my anger, worse. I live my life like a ticking time bomb that could go off at any second. I keep waiting for the day that my head, does in fact, actually explode.

With all of this anger built up inside of me, it makes it hard for me to the be the mom that I want to be, the mom that I feel that they deserve. My son has actually made the comment before that mom never smiles, which is a comment that absolutely gutted me and still bothers me. My husband says I am never in a good mood. I know that I am not a fun person to be around. Which contributes even more to the massive guilt that I carry around. It’s no wonder that I am just completely drained by the end of every day.

I think that moms spend all of their time making sure that everybody else’s internal batteries are charged and doesn’t take time to charge her own. So we just keep running on fumes until we get to the point where we just can’t go anymore. And this moment looks different for everybody. Some moms are able to take time to re-charge themselves. Some moms, unfortunately, completely go off the deep end. For me, this is where the anger takes over. And in any of these circumstances, people are so quick to judge. If a mom takes time to care for herself, she’s selfish. How dare she not spend every minute of her life with her kids? She should never put her own needs ahead of theirs (she usually doesn’t). If a mom spends all her time angry and yelling at her kids, she’s unfit to be a mom. She’s permanently damaging them and should be ashamed of herself (trust me, she is). And god forbid, a mom do the unthinkable and decide to end her own life, why didn’t she say anything? Why didn’t she just ask for help? (I bet she did, and nobody listened).

My point of all of this is, we, as moms, should spend less time judging each other and more time realizing that we are all in this together. We are all just trying to survive this crazy life and make it through motherhood in one piece. We all get angry. And yes, some may get angrier more than others and some may not know how to cope with their anger. But I can promise you, the guilt that mom feels is far worse than any judgmental thought that you could have about her. If you are an angry mom, I see you. I feel you. I am you. And if you know an angry mom, the best thing you could do for her is to show her a little compassion, maybe a smile, or a hug, or an ear that she can vent to. Any little gesture of kindness can be enough to help cool the fire she feels inside her. The fire that she doesn’t know how to put out, that consumes her and makes her truly hate herself. Because all she wants is to not be an angry mom, even if just for one day.